Posted on June 30, 2008
Recently one of my old friends got married back in the states, I wasn’t able to attend, but I poured over all her beautiful wedding photos so carefully taking in all the beautiful details. You could tell she was in heaven. She looked so radiant and relaxed and just completely lovely. Now I doubt there are many (if ANY) Brides who are fully relaxed and without even an ounce of stress, but if she had any she sure hid it beautifully. I was so happy for her. So happy that she titled her wedding photos, “Day of Bliss”, so completely thrilled for her that she got a beautiful, wonderful wedding day. You see I LOVE weddings, LOVE the love between bride and groom, love all the lovely details!!! Except my OWN wedding of course. I hated my wedding. Hated that I had to work so hard to plan it and pay for it especially since frankly I never EVER wanted a wedding, because I knew how I’d react. I was so overcome with stress over how much it was costing me, how hard I had to work to get the absolute most cheap EVERYTHING, how angry I was that I was talked into the wedding to begin with. Most of the pictures even clearly show my stress, there are so many where I’m clutching my bouquet SO tight and my face is just petrified. ALL I wanted was to run off with my handsome stud and get married, just the two of us, no hoopla, no reception bills to pay, no invitations to handmake and send, no worry and concern over if we invited everyone who wanted to come. I wanted a marriage NOT a wedding. I suppose the only thing I am thankful for is there are SOME decent photos of us to show our kids where I don’t look like a deer in the headlights. I do know one thing, if ANY of our kids don’t want a wedding I’ll be the first one to push them towards Vegas! HAAA!
Now comes the next piece of self reflection – our move to Germany. I hate living here. I LOVE German people, I LOVE German food, I LOVE how gorgeous the landscaping is. But it’s not home. I miss my family and the support I could be getting from them if we were in the states, the military mail service is insanely slow to arrive (if EVER actually get delivered at all!), the Euro is kicking the Dollars butt so if we ever have to buy anything on the economy it is just a complete rip off, I miss U.S. television and all my favorite shows, I feel very, very isolated and afraid to talk to Germans, even though they are seriously the most friendly people I’ve ever associated with, I feel intense guilt I don’t know enough of the German language to make myself clear, so I find that even the few German phrases and words I do know just completely disappear when I’m in the place of speaking to them. So I just clamp up and prove what a dumb American I really am. I don’t enjoy traveling. I can appreciate the pretty stuff throughout Europe, but all the stress associated with this move just zaps the cool factor right away.
So after reflecting on these two big pieces of my life that I flat out despise I came to a startling and rather frightening conclusion. I am COMPLETELY freak (Well I kinda knew that already! Hee-hee) Most people would seriously give ANYTHING to have a wedding and move to Europe. Yet I do not at all. It’s really a shame that this move was wasted on someone who would be much happier in a little U.S. town enjoying the U.S. Postal Service (even though they have been known to lose my packages as well!!), find everything I need for my house between Target and Walmart and enjoy spending dollars and dollars only.
This depressing post does have a positive end though! I’ve also learned after living here in tummy-wrenching disappointment for over a year that I do have so much to be thankful for. I mean I’d never know the joys of German food if I hadn’t come here. I’d never have the awesome friends I’ve made here if I was still living in U.S. bliss. I’d never have this house full of GORGEOUS, HUGE, German windows if I hadn’t come here. (DREAM lighting for a photographer, seriously!!!!) So even through my saddness, I really can find the silver lining.
So here’s to more deep self-reflection. To more “Dr. Phil-ing” of my own crazy psyche. To more happiness and less (as Kate calls them) grumpies.
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Ah, I totally understand the feeling of loneliness and homesickness. I was in the Navy and while I wasn’t stationed overseas, I was still so overcome with sadness and resentment of being away from home and all of my family. Try to enjoy your time there and remember that this is enriching your life and your marriage…you will someday look back on this time with a fondness and have some bittersweet memories. Your friendships and relationships you are making there will last a lifetime!
Oh, and I don’t have any happy memories of my wedding either. It was NOT a happy day for me, so you’re not alone.
Cheers! LOL!
We can switch!!! We’ll move overseas to Germany, and you can move to small town Altus, OK. Perfect solution. Or maybe we can both encourage each other to bloom where we are planted. How’s your pregnancy going?
I so understand about Germany. I so glad we are here right now though. This is our first duty station and DH was able to pick it. If we had gone somewhere in the US, Europe would always be on my wish list and I would always want to go. I would maybe have to wait years and years and then I would get here and be a little disappointed I think. Because we came here first, the Army is so new to me as well. I don’t know. I am just glad we came here first because now when we move back to the US we can stay and not have to want overseas like a lot of people do.
Germany is such a nice place to visit or even stay for a few months but living here with small children is so hard.